la la la

k. lets start out quick and simple. i REALLY like ryker. but everyone else thinks he is a jerk or ugly or somethin. which is kinda true sometimes, but he can have a heatr like when around me! around me he holds the door for others and me. he is so much kinder to everyone! that ryker is so sweet and fun! wow i am startin to like hiim more and more each day! well now that i am single (got dumped yesterday) i can flirt with him more! it is very entertaining! i dont even know i am flirting with him but everyone else tells me i am so i might as well persue that! he is just the one that gives me those playfull butterflies in my stomach. all different colors representing all the different emotions i feel. they mix together like a collision and colide creating a dangerous sensation where all i want to do is hug someone! he makes me... HAPPY!!!!!! am i supposed to like him this much? well too bad cuz i will always like him no matter what anyone else tells me! and thats final! so see ya!

new crush!

ok so as the title says, i have a new crush! well not really new, but i am going to talk more about him. his name is... ryker! he is so cute! i have no idea why i like him so much! he is just... nice at times! well he is almost always nice to me! i am 99% sure he doesn't like me. but its the other 1% that keeps me fighting strong and hopefull! he is nicer to me than anyone else in our school! i like it! he makes me feel... well i cant describe it. k well do you know the song bubbly? "well it starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose. wherever it goes i always no. that you make me smile please just stay for a while now. just take ur time whever you go." that explains me so much! he gives me those butterflies in my stomach. he is the only thing i can think about. today on our way back from the enviromental center, we were sitting like seat across from seat ya know. with treyton in between us. he was talkin to us and then i kinda got sad, but mostly tired. and ryker and treyton would like tickle me. it was fun! then from there i was tired. but also today at the enviromental center, in the morning at breaktfast, treyton and ryker started tickling me. they would like double team me. one on each side. it was misery, but heaven at the same time. and when ryker like tickled my knee(howwever u wanna out it) i accidentaly put my hand on top of his to make him stop, but quickly took it off after about half a secong of thinking what was going on. wow.... my bubbly self is back! i love it! yay! well i gotta go think about him some more so see ya!

dreams

last night, i had a dream about the one and only justin. ya. it sux. its like he is the only one that i can think about now days. i even dream about him. i never even dreamt about my boi friend. but i dream about him? this has gotten really weird lately. i need him so much that i even dream about him. so. now this is my dream: we were at school. at recess. the whole sixth grade was there, but they were kind of in the background. when i caught sight of him, i couldnt seem to stop staring. his eyes, the beautiful green with a rim of blue. it was like a sea that took me a float into the depths of forever. he suddenly looked back, and i shot my head away as quickly as possibe so he wouldnt know i was staring at him. and at that moment the background came back. i could hear the noise. the winters breeze, the kids falling on the icy patches and screaming and laughing...until in front of me i noticed justin. he was standing right in front of my face, close enough for me to go on my tip toes and kiss him. suddenly, before i knew what happened, he was holding me in his arma. just hugging me. so i hugged back out of surprise...and satisfction. as i hugged back, he started to loosen, and he kissed me. i stould there in shock, the cold akwardly noticeable. only because he had left so quickly, its as if he vanished from thin air. he was no where to be found, anywhere. i searched frantically, high..low.... and everywhere in between. but i still couldnt find him. so i sat against the wall and curled into my little shell as if the whole world has just crashed. as if our 2 worlds collided. i tried to come out, but i couldnt. i was tooo scared that he would be standing in my face saying it was a mistake, and leaving me. so i stayed there, hiding from everything around me..... and then i woke up. *awake* i couldnt believe i had actually dreamt of him. i am losing it! i need help desperatly..... help... anyone...

justin, again.

today at recess, justin, my perfect dream guy, hung out with me. we were having a lot of fun. brianna wasnt there cuz she got checked out. so it was just me and justin. we were just messin around and it was so fun. he started stepping on my toes and everything. it made me laugh. so when we went back to class, i couldnt wait till lunch recess! it was going to be so much fun if i was going to hang out with him! i watch the clock go by, tick...toc...tic...toc... it seemed to trudge by! till finally it was lunch time! then we line wash up, get in line, and head down to lunch. as soon as i finish eating, i run outside with my friends, and wait for justin to come over to talk to me again like first recess. after 10 minutes, he never did. so i kept waiting anxiously. finall about twenty minutes later, he came over, but didnt want to talk really. just wanted to hide. so i have a small sigh, curled up in my ball, and waited for him to just go away so i didnt have to go through the pain anymore. as soon as he left, i was all good again. until i thought about what had happenedd that morning. i couldnt tell anyone. cuz i dont want anyone getting the wrong idea. so i kept it to myself and i'm sure everyone was thinking it was about guys or something. and it wasnt. so now i am scared about something else. i wasnt supposed to fall in love with him, but i did. so now i am not afraid of anything but losing him. if i lose him,i dont know what i will do with myself. is it so wrong for me to be in love with someone as young as ai am? well i am sure everyone thinks so. but they dont understand. i have been hurt so many times. and i realize that there is no guy that wont ever hurt you, so i need to go for the one that will make the pain worth while. and he is the one that will make the pain worth while. actually i dont know if he will hurt me anytime soon. i hope not. i luv him to much. but i cant tell himthat, so how am i supposed to get the one i luv, of first they dont luv me back, and second i cant tell them that i luv him cuz of i do i might lose him period. as a friend and as any chance as my boy friend. i dont know what to do anymore. i luv him so much. more htan anything. hard to believe at first i hated him to death. now he is the one i luv more than anything. well loving someone is wanting the best for them. whether it includes you or not. and now i come to the question. am i good enough for him? or will i just waste his time? if i try to get the one i luv, will i ruin the only chance i have with him? will i ruin the friend shio between me and brianna? will ha make a laughing stock of me? would he be embarrassed to have someone like me love him? what do i do? what is the best for me and him? i have so many questions! these aren't even half of them! *crying* i luv him...... i cant help that...... i need him. i also need help. plz help.....someone...anyone?

ex boy friend

so my ex boi friend kinda broke up wit me. i'm not heart broken over it though cuz i was going to break up wit him, i was just scared to. so he did it for me. yay! so now i can go back to falling for justin. he tripped me. its not fair. so now i have to chase him. i luv him! so this is really short but i just thought that i ought to tell ya that my bf broke up wit me! so ya! see ya!! peace out!

justin vs. boy friend

so i know i have been talking about justin a lot, and i really do like him. but u have a boy friend and i luv him too. but i'm scared i luv justin more than my boi friend. how sad is that? especially since i can never be with justin no matter how badly i want to. and karina still if u say anything i swear! so anyways, now it justin vs. my boi friend. i dont know which one 2 choose. i luv em both, but i think i luv justin more. he even admitted sometimes he wishes he was going out wit me. so why not make his wishes come true? and thats where i get to the horrible road block. Brianna. now dont get me wrong! i LUV brianna! but sometimes i wish she had never fell in lv with him, cuz then i would be able to luv justin back! and i would actually be happy for once in my life! he wasnt supposed to mean that much to me. i want supposed to fall in luv with him. but i did. i fell for someone that cant catch me. he tripped me, and i fell without anyone to help me up. how do all the perfect guys find me, but go out with my best friends first, and then realize they luv me when it is too late for me to say i luv them back? so now i need some help here. Who do i choose. justin, my dream guy. or my boi friend, the guy who luvs me a little too much?

justin

i fall even more in luv with him..every second of the day. he is my favorite subject to talk about to my friend karina. and she listens! thx by the way karina! but he just decribes my perfect guy in every shape and form! funny, nice, flirts playfully and likes to have fun! but i dont want to lose my friend over him. but i luv him so much. i cant stop thinking about him...ever. why does this always have to happen to me? i find a guy that likes me, and i like him, maybe even luv him, but i cant do anything cuz it would hurt my friends? it always happens to me. i hate it! i luv him to death! every time i see him i just want to jump into his arms and hug him and never let him go! everytime i see him, my heart skips a beat and i find myself only paying attention to him and no one else. when he holds me, i just want to kiss him. he makes me feel like i belong somewhere, other then with my friends. dont get me wrong! i LUV my friends! but sometimes i just want to know that someone else is ther for me. someone that wont mind if i cry on his shoulder. and i know this sounds like the types of things friends can do too. but for me its just different to know someone luvs me other then my family and friends. and to know i am luved. it makes me so happy. and it gives me butterflies! i luv it! so would it be terribly wrong to go after the one i truly luv?

valentines day

ok. so i thought i hated valentines day... turns out its not so bad. lets start from the beginning. so.
feb 14-morning: so i was gettin up, and i was kinda depressed in a way cuz i was single. and it hurt more becuz it reminded me of my x that cheated on me. ugh. so i was hating valentines day at the moment....
later on- around 4: so i went to a b-day party. it was my friend from my old school. marlon. so ya. i just kinda sat there cuz i was sad. but i made it fun and tried to forget about it becuz the whole time i was ther this dude was like totally looking at me. scary but kool! so ya...
later that night-around 9: i started gettin ready to go to my friend bailey's house. *after i got there* we kinda hung around for a while.. then i got a tx. from this dude. and he asked me out... on VALENTINES DAY!! how KOOL is THAT!!!!!! i said yes of course! ( i was kinda scared..and stilla m but ya) so now i have a bf and its fun for the most part. but i'm scared too. cuz i dont wanna get hurt again.. i cant... so i have to trust him. but it will be gard.. HELP!!!

justin

k karinna if u tell anyone about this i swear! k well anyways..... i like really like justin... maybe even love. but i can never do anything about that becuz one of my best friends, brianna, used to go out wit him. the only reason they broke up was cuz the principal made them. stupid huh? well anyways. he asked me out, and i had to turn him down becuz i didnt want to hurt brianna. she talks about him like he created the earth, the moon, and the stars. but i luv him. and i luv him more and more every day. i want to tell him how i feel, but i dont want him telling brianna or making fun of me. cuz he used to hug me and hold my ahnd and all that, until i said no. and now he barely talks to me and acts like i am not even there when he is hangin with me and brianna. it buggs me becuz i let him go. i had someone that cared about me. and i gave it up. i am so stupid. and now i dream about him. day and night. what am i supposed to do? just try to ferget about it and let it go? no..i couldnt do that. i cant even try to forget the one i luv more than anything. i miss his touch. his breath right against my face. his words hitting me like bricks, becuz they shocked me. why did this happen. i luv him.... more than anything. and i let him slip right through my fingers. like sand. and now he is gone! i am such an idiot! how could i have lt him go!! oh my gosh! i need help! i luv him... and i'm going crazy!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today is valentines day. worst day ever! why u may ask? becuz to me it is single awareness day not valentines day. today only reminded me about how much i luv and miss my x.... ugh! i was over him!!! i was so over him!! until stupid valentines day got in the way and broke my heart again!! why????! why did it have to happen to me? ugh...... help plz... somebody... plz......

saturn ninja!

this is out to one of my besties! hey saturn ninja! thx for helpin me with this! i couldnt have done this without u!!! see ya!!

skool

Today at skool we had to play P.E. with Mrs. Bywaters class. the class my x was in. i was so scared that he would embarrass me, or so i thought, that i started looking for him frantically (p.s. this is more a story than a blog but i dont kare!) after i looked through the whole class...i saw no x boi friend. so isearched again...and realized that i was actually looking for my x boi friend. how pathetic. then i realized he was absent, and i let out a sigh of relief! i wasn't goingto get embarrased!! at least not today anyways....